So...I have written in here before on struggle with TMS. Unknowingly suppressing stresses or fear or anxieties or all sorts of different things. But...occasionally I've had some flare ups with it again. I really cannot believe that this causes so many pains and struggles. To help get rid of these, it is suggested to journal or write about the things that could be causing the pains and get your mind right. I was to be free from these pains. They hold me back so much. I just ran a 5K race last weekend with my uncle and this week, every time I try to run I have severe pain in my legs. But I know that it is TMS.
What stressors or struggles do I have. Let me see...I have SO many responsibilities and I have SO many people counting on me. I cannot do it all. I barely can have any time for myself. But then when I do, I'm pounded with lies from the enemy.
I am responsible for...
Mondays: Every morning I'm responsible for making sure our son gets up and around. I make his breakfast and get his lunch ready too. Then I feed the cats and chickens and make sure our son is on time for school. I have be free for staff meeting and have a chapter or two from a book we all go through completed and ready for discussion. Some Mondays I have to go to the Intermediate to teach Character Education to the students. Then, I have to be sure I'm at the school on time to pick up our son and take him home or get ready for his games. The evenings consists of homework that I'm working on to finish my Master's (3 classes this semester and 3 next to finish) OR going to my son's games.
Tuesdays: Most mornings I teach a chapel time for our preschool group. The first Tuesday of the month I lead chapel for a nearby private school in the afternoons. Again, being on time to pick up my son and then having him where he needs to be. Homework or his games for the nights.
Wednesdays: I teach and lead our kids Wednesday night program. Making sure all 100+ kids are taken care of our 30+ volunteers are connected and has a place to serve. That's during the night time. The mornings are preparing for the nights and then afternoons I have to change vehicles with my wife so that I can have room to pick up my son and all of his friends he's bringing to church with him. Then after church at night I have to lock up and make sure everyone gets home. Go home and crash.
Thursdays: cleanup from Wednesday and work on papers and things due for my classes. Also, I usually try to schedule lunches with other guys in our church that the Lord lays on my heart to reach out to. Then at night it's homework or take care of things around the house.
Fridays: This is suppose to be my day off from work but that's a joke. I'm usually cleaning the house or running errands for the family or working on homework. I have tried to take the mornings for running and taking pictures of wildlife in the park. I try to find some "me" time in there for at least an hour. Friday afternoons I make sure I'm getting our son on time and then the family usually wants to go to the ballgames.
Saturdays: I try to sleep in and get some needed rest and then spend time with the family. Lately, my Saturdays have been working on homework.
Sundays: ALL day. wake up at 6am, get to the church to prepare for 2 services of children's church and Crosswalk class. Head home for lunch then back to the church to prepare for sign language class and the DGroup that I teach. Making sure the kids group is taken care of and have food while my groups has food too. Clean up and shut down lights and lock doors before leaving.
Whew! I'm tired just thinking about all the million things I have to do.
All the while doing these things, I have the jerk enemy that reminds me of so many things. He tries to tell me that I have to do all these things perfectly. I can't let anyone down. He tries to tell me that I'm not good enough. I am very insecure about certain things with my body. I struggle with thinking the worst about myself. I tend to be overwhelmed with temptations from the enemy that usually dig up things that happened to me as a child. I often wish and cannot wait for the day the Lord returns. No more sin. No more sadness or pain. No more fears or insecurities. Only Jesus. I cannot wait to spend eternity in fellowship and worship with Jesus.
So...Lord, help me to give all of these things to you. I KNOW that apart from you I can do nothing. I know that I am nothing without you. Please help me to get rid of these things that are causing my body discomfort. Help me to do the things to remove it. Help me to do whatever is necessary to be free. I desire freedom!
